Updated: Apr 16, 2021
Dear You Lucky SOB (no offense to my potential mother-in-law; I’m sure she’s fab),
We haven’t met yet, or maybe, we have. The universe can be quite tricky sometimes. In any event, here are a few things I figured I’d clue you in on. These are the things you really need to know.
1. I want you to know that I’m sorry.
I’ll make a ton of mistakes, but I promise to own up to every single one of them. I will never let foolish pride get in the way of our relationship.
2. You should know I’m not a fighter, but I will fight for us every time.
Don’t worry, I guarantee my mother will love you and always take your side. She tends to favor opposing counsel. Regardless, I like men who challenge me, and I’m competitive AF. I will happily resolve any argument with a game of table tennis. Rally for serve and seven-nothing shutout in effect.
3. Know that I will try to be grateful for you every day.
It took me a really long time to find you. Do you know how many random numbers I have in my phone? “Brad Bumble.” “Michael Underground.” “David CPA.” “Brian Drunk Douche—Do Not Respond.” Delete. I will never let anyone or anything from my past influence our future.
4. You should know that I’ve been on my own for a very long time.
It may take a while to loosen the reins, but I promise I will be worth it. I will continually push you to be your best, and I hope you will do the same for me.
5. Know that superficial, material possessions don’t mean a whole lot to me.
In my relationship, I’m looking for the things you can’t buy. I want your love, loyalty, honesty, and respect. I want you to be a true partner I can depend on. And, if you’re a solid communicator and emotionally intelligent, jackpot! (With that said, I wouldn’t turn down a honeymoon in Capri or an African safari one day. I enjoy experiences. They create memories.)
6. I know that smart is sexy, and a sense of humor is killer.
Make me laugh, and you can get me to do pretty much anything (within reason). If we’re not laughing together, then something is definitely up, and we need to address it. I’m confrontational about things that matter and then I resolve, let go, and move forward.
7. Know that I’m searching for a professional seat-filler.
Concerts are my jam, so I’m praying that you’re a music lover. If not, I’ll gladly embrace your interests, and you can wear earplugs to every show, but I will not miss another opportunity to see The Rolling Stones live!
8. Knowing sports is a prerequisite to survive in my family.
Just kidding! (Not really). But seriously, if you’re not a Cubs fan, we might not work. Hopefully, if you don’t enjoy shouting at the TV during games or a broken remote, you at least like shows or movies.
9. Just so you know, I’ve got our children’s names covered.
They’ve been vaulted for years and are practically nonnegotiable. If you truly can’t stand my celebrity-esque monikers, then I could possibly throw a middle name your way, but consider that my generous compromise.
10. Sometimes, I may not like you, but I will always love you.
I’ll be honest: Occasionally, I can become incredibly annoyed, or even brash. What can I say? I’m a Fire sign, therefore passionate emotions come with the territory. I’m constantly lit. Just remember, I’m always on your team.
Your future loving, gorgeous, unattainable, off-the-charts, amazing wife
That’s about all I can think of for now, hopefully you’ll add to it yourself. Or maybe not because I’m perfect.
P.S. I do have a side of the bed, I’m not a cover hog, and I will never be a morning person. Don’t even bother.