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Currently on my mind: Dating App CliffNotes for Married or Otherwise Engaged Folk

Updated: Apr 16, 2021

Do you have that single friend you’re hesitant to broach the dating topic with because you’re not privy to the new age lingo? Well, look no further. Consider this a quick CliffsNotes guide to the obscene and oversaturated world of dating apps.

1. Swiping for a soulmate is NOT fun

Please don’t grab our phones like a dog in heat to view potential matches and exclaim, “Oh, this is so exciting!” Is running on the treadmill exciting? You’re panting, sweating, and gasping for air, all the while hoping to get to the cool down. If your friend admits she’s taking a break for a little—FYI, that’s her cool down. Let her breathe.

2. Save your “Success Stories” for Weight Watchers

We don’t give a crap that your sister’s best friend’s neighbor’s cousin met her fiancé on Hinge. It doesn’t help our cause. We are happy for other people, don’t get us wrong. Mazel, mazel, good things. We just aren’t interested in a tally or headcount.

3. Avoid anything cliché i.e. “There are plenty of fish in the sea”

We’re aware. It’s a gigantic ocean polluted with fuckboys, douchebags, pen pals, creepers, braggers, and loners. Finding a normal guy on Bumble is like sifting through pages of “Key Style” items marked for a Shopbop site sale—overwhelming and exhausting.

4. Ghosting happens and yes, it sucks

Human decency doesn’t exist in the realm of dating apps. The lack of mutual respect is appalling. You could be talking to someone and without rhyme or reason they are gone, vanished, and never to be heard from again. Literally zero explanation. Alas, have we seen Jake Ryan since he helped Molly Ringwald blow out her Sixteen Candles?

Devastating. We know.

The entire landscape of dating changed astronomically since the invention of the apps. It’s hard to describe and even harder to be in the thick of it. The best you can do for your friend is just be there and listen. (Permission granted, however, to scroll through Instagram if you feel she’s being repetitive.)

P.S. Jake Ryan actually builds furniture in Pennsylvania now. How Aidan Shaw of him.


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